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- Sep 2, 2026
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Hello,
I was guided to create this journal. Maybe someone can take something from it. I've had a life of extreme ups, and even more extreme downs. I have traveled quit a bit around the USA, Europe, Mexico. On my path to self discovery, and hidden knowledge. I wouldn't change anything, I would do it all over again if I could. Ill start the first entry with the day the self realization hit me.
For as long as I could remember, I have been into Magick. I have always felt like there was something more in life than just waking up, every day and going to work. At such a young age, I was already the black sheep of the family. I didn't fit in, I was homeless when I was 18 years old. I had to build my life from scratch. I guess we all do in some way. I thought being homeless at such a young age was going to be the toughest thing that I ever went through, but this path showed me I was wrong on this conclusion. Ill start my journey briefly at the age of 18. Like I mentioned, I was always the black sheep, I did not fit in with my family who were and still are extreme Catholics. My parents did not agree with me on my views. It made things difficult for me. My mother and father started counting down my birthday for 18 at 16. every time I would hear how long I had left to be thrown out. At 16 it was you have 2 years. I thought nothing of it, I thought they were just saying this to be funny or cruel, than 17 came and I hear 1 more year. Then 18 came, and I was given luggage for my birthday. The day after my birthday, I was thrown out. No job, no money, just my suitcase. I slept under cars at my friends houses, in bushes. I finally was able to find a job after 2 weeks, and than eventual, rent a room, and so forth. So already, at this time I thought my life was over. Im going to fast forward now to the age of 21 really quick. At this time, my father died. This was the time I knew that I truly have a gift. The week before his death, him and I finally got close. We patched up our differences, I knew it was to late. I could tell he was dieing, the house felt like decay, death, something wasn't right. The night before his death, we had a last supper, at dinner my father was mentioning to the family that he thinks this is his last meal, they said don't talk like that at the dinner table, he said "Patrick is the only one here that knows what's happening". After dinner he was rushed to the hospital, where he died later that night. His last requests were for me to move back into my mothers house to take care of her for a while. It didn't work out so well, as my mom and I don't get along.
Eventually, she bought a home in Kansas for my brother and me, triggering a chain reaction of synchronicity that would alter the course of my life.
Through my brother, I met my ex. Believing she was the one, I left everything behind and moved to Oklahoma. And there, for 20 years, I lived a ghost of a life.
I fell into a profound state of suppression. Every single day was an identical, numbing routine: wake up, go to work, come home, cook, repeat. Because I was hiding who I truly was and stifling my beliefs, my body and mind began to fight back. I gained weight until I was close to 400 pounds. I developed severe agoraphobia and crippling anxiety.
The breaking point arrived during the COVID pandemic. I was sitting in my car right after work when a massive, suffocating panic attack hit me. I couldn’t breathe. I managed to drive home, pulled into the driveway, and told my ex through gasps for air that I needed an emergency room.
Lying in that hospital bed, the doctors delivered a painful reality: my heart rate was skyrocketing, X-rays revealed a severe pulmonary embolism, and they didn’t expect me to survive the night.
In that moment of total surrender, my ego the "front self" I had built to survive the world completely gave up. as I stared at the dark, blank screen of the hospital tv, expecting the end, a face appeared in the glass. It was a dragon. Quiet, still, and steady, it just watched me as I hovered between worlds. I had unconsciously exexuted at this time a self initiation. Right as the dr's came back from the final tests, at the same time they were teaching me to inject blood thinners and telling me that I would have to use these injections the rest of my life, they told me the pulmonary embolism vanished. In fact, it was a lung nodule. I was at this time diagnosed with COPD.
I went back home, and had a conversation with my ex. I told her, that I'm not happy, this isnt how I'm suppose to live, and we mutually split up, A realization happened, I reliazed that I could not suppress who I am. These abilities can not be forcced away, or banished, I have to accept who I am. I decided to accept the draconian current at this time, I was making over 30 dollars an hour at my job. Money to me ment nothing. My health was so bad, I could barely walk to the stop sign at the corner of my street. But I did, I first walked half way, than every day it got easier, I ended up going from just only being able to walk to the stop sign, to walking around the block. To walking a mile. I slowly started re gaining vital health back. I was able to move more. I fought the agoraphobia by going to just stores at night, than changing it to the busy times. This was the inner fire waking up. My inner Kundalini was waking up.
Of course, I was skeptical, I wasn't sure that the draconian current was real, or was for me. Something happened though that night at the hospital. I didn't fight it anymore, I did what my inner voice was guiding me to do I starting researching online as I was working on my weight. I felt that the state I was in, was not for me. I ended up dropping more weight, and decided to leave my American job. I than sold all my belongings. My car, my tv, my playstation five, everything. Everything was material, it ment nothing.
Long story short, I relocated and traveled across Europe, deeply studying the Tarot. During these travels, I met my wife from Prague, and we built a stable, grounded marriage together. Then, the Draconian current called to me yet again.
While walking with my wife on a hill in Prague—a place notorious for its dragon legends—I found a curious painted rock. This hill is rumored to hold the dragon’s den, and legend speaks of a dragon egg that will hatch in a thousand years. Perhaps the lore connects back to ancient pagan serpent worship, or even Renaissance-era alchemy. Finding that token felt intentional.
This time, I chose to answer the call instead of ignoring it. I kept working on my health, eventually dropping my weight below 220 pounds. I began formally studying alchemy right there in Prague while honing my relationship with the Tarot. Fast forward to today: my wife and I have relocated again, and we are now living in Mexico.
There is a reason this first entry is so long. This is the messy, profound process of ego death—and it is the exact path that brought me to where I am in my studies today. Im now in the cooling phase of everything. Alchemy is a painful process, but the pain is necessary for growth, without it, how do we move forward? This entry was important to show what's going on now.
It wasn't easy to lay out twenty years of suppression as well as a near-death ego death, exposing that "Prima Materia" was a necessary step.
I would like to talk about the transition. In alchemy, what I learned was that after the intense, destructive heat of Calcination comes a period of cooling also fixing the volatile spirit into a more stable form. For me, that process is happening right now under the heavy, ancient sun of Mexico. (Believe me, it’s heavy. I’ve been living here since February and it gets hot.)
When I moved from the historical, alchemical atmosphere of Prague to Mexico it has completely transformed my connection to the Draconian current. Here, the dragon isn't just a hidden medieval legend on a hill; it is woven directly into the land itself as the Plumed Serpent, Quetzalcoatl—the ultimate synthesis of earth (the serpent) and sky (the feathers). This serpent also represents the ultimate bridge between the physical world and the spiritual. I found out that Mexico's landscape doesn't let you hide from your power. The raw, volcanic soil and intense heat act as an external amplifier for the Kundalini fire I woke up. ( by the way, I should note that I do not speak a word of spanish. However, I have been able to pick up rather quickly)
To navigate this intense environment without burning out, my daily workings have shifted toward highly specific rituals, and targeted Tarot structures: I use a tarot spread called the serpent’s Eye Spread. I no longer use the Tarot for simple fortune-telling… (A little note on this, While in Europe, this is how I made extra money, reading tarot for people. This spread helps me to visually see whats going on.) I’v also been working heavily with the Qliphoth.
Dropping down to 220 pounds has given me a much cleaner, stronger physical body to handle these high-voltage currents. I am learning that the Great Work isn't just about surviving the initial explosion of awakening; it is about building the ritual discipline to channel that raw fire into a beautiful, conscious reality day after day.
During my travels, I joined the temple of ascending flames, The temple of ascending flames was a great introductory point for me. However, During my week 4 I decided, that solitary was a much better approach for me. I wanted to adopt the draconian current to my workings. It felt right. Even though the temple might be for other people, it wasn't for me. During a ritual on my last week with the temple, I had a vision. That week was designated to Hecate. I was standing at a crossroads. It was all black around, she appeared to me in the vision and said "You don't need approval from outside sources" She handed me so many keys that day, that I fell to my knees in the vision. I asked her why. She stated "That's for me to know, and her to find out" I was told that I need to create my own, that the temple is not made of stone walls. So, I decided to end my work with the temple to start my own workings.
I have about 3 journals of writings from visions, gnosis, everything that I experience on this road to self discovery, and hidden knowledge. I was unsure of how to write out the journal if I should take from the weeks of course work that I did with the temple, the visions and hidden alchemical geometry that I experienced. This journal will unfold in the coming days.
I decided to post an extra post today to bridge a gap.
I completely put that Prima Materia out there because I see in my own opinion that so many people mistake a spiritual awakening for a finish line. They tend to think that once you survive the initial explosion, you've made it. It just doesn't work that way. The real grit is the cooling phase. The magick isn't just waking up its building the daily, stubborn ritual discipline to channel that raw fire into something real, day after day, without burning down your own life. Was that stone I found on that hill in Prague the philosophers stone? Possibly. I mean It had a dragon painted on it, was in a rare spot. Either way, it ment something. I still have this stone with me. I kept it.
If I don't show you the dirt, the gold doesn't mean a thing. When Hecate handed me those keys at the crossroads and told me I didn't need anyone else's approval, she wasn't just letting me walk away from a formal temple.... she was telling me to stop looking outside myself for permission. She gave me the authority to map my own path.
If you're standing in your own fire right now, or trying to ground a massive shift that feels too heavy for you to carry, stop fighting your environment. The heat, the dirt, the walls you keep running into aren't trying to destroy you. They are the tools forcing you to change.
Alchemicalists believe that to transform a substance into something higher, it first has to be broken down. Pain and suffering is viewed as the essential "Fire" required for spiritual growth. I guess you can say that I will be posting a journal here on what chaos magick does, and how it goes hand and hand with the alchemical process and draconian current. Also, I will be posting what affects it has on the nervous system. During each phase, the body projects what you're going through.
When you complete a ritual, the ritual isn't over just because you put the candle out. There are so many other unseen things that are going on behind the shadows.
I was guided to create this journal. Maybe someone can take something from it. I've had a life of extreme ups, and even more extreme downs. I have traveled quit a bit around the USA, Europe, Mexico. On my path to self discovery, and hidden knowledge. I wouldn't change anything, I would do it all over again if I could. Ill start the first entry with the day the self realization hit me.
For as long as I could remember, I have been into Magick. I have always felt like there was something more in life than just waking up, every day and going to work. At such a young age, I was already the black sheep of the family. I didn't fit in, I was homeless when I was 18 years old. I had to build my life from scratch. I guess we all do in some way. I thought being homeless at such a young age was going to be the toughest thing that I ever went through, but this path showed me I was wrong on this conclusion. Ill start my journey briefly at the age of 18. Like I mentioned, I was always the black sheep, I did not fit in with my family who were and still are extreme Catholics. My parents did not agree with me on my views. It made things difficult for me. My mother and father started counting down my birthday for 18 at 16. every time I would hear how long I had left to be thrown out. At 16 it was you have 2 years. I thought nothing of it, I thought they were just saying this to be funny or cruel, than 17 came and I hear 1 more year. Then 18 came, and I was given luggage for my birthday. The day after my birthday, I was thrown out. No job, no money, just my suitcase. I slept under cars at my friends houses, in bushes. I finally was able to find a job after 2 weeks, and than eventual, rent a room, and so forth. So already, at this time I thought my life was over. Im going to fast forward now to the age of 21 really quick. At this time, my father died. This was the time I knew that I truly have a gift. The week before his death, him and I finally got close. We patched up our differences, I knew it was to late. I could tell he was dieing, the house felt like decay, death, something wasn't right. The night before his death, we had a last supper, at dinner my father was mentioning to the family that he thinks this is his last meal, they said don't talk like that at the dinner table, he said "Patrick is the only one here that knows what's happening". After dinner he was rushed to the hospital, where he died later that night. His last requests were for me to move back into my mothers house to take care of her for a while. It didn't work out so well, as my mom and I don't get along.
Eventually, she bought a home in Kansas for my brother and me, triggering a chain reaction of synchronicity that would alter the course of my life.
Through my brother, I met my ex. Believing she was the one, I left everything behind and moved to Oklahoma. And there, for 20 years, I lived a ghost of a life.
I fell into a profound state of suppression. Every single day was an identical, numbing routine: wake up, go to work, come home, cook, repeat. Because I was hiding who I truly was and stifling my beliefs, my body and mind began to fight back. I gained weight until I was close to 400 pounds. I developed severe agoraphobia and crippling anxiety.
The breaking point arrived during the COVID pandemic. I was sitting in my car right after work when a massive, suffocating panic attack hit me. I couldn’t breathe. I managed to drive home, pulled into the driveway, and told my ex through gasps for air that I needed an emergency room.
Lying in that hospital bed, the doctors delivered a painful reality: my heart rate was skyrocketing, X-rays revealed a severe pulmonary embolism, and they didn’t expect me to survive the night.
In that moment of total surrender, my ego the "front self" I had built to survive the world completely gave up. as I stared at the dark, blank screen of the hospital tv, expecting the end, a face appeared in the glass. It was a dragon. Quiet, still, and steady, it just watched me as I hovered between worlds. I had unconsciously exexuted at this time a self initiation. Right as the dr's came back from the final tests, at the same time they were teaching me to inject blood thinners and telling me that I would have to use these injections the rest of my life, they told me the pulmonary embolism vanished. In fact, it was a lung nodule. I was at this time diagnosed with COPD.
I went back home, and had a conversation with my ex. I told her, that I'm not happy, this isnt how I'm suppose to live, and we mutually split up, A realization happened, I reliazed that I could not suppress who I am. These abilities can not be forcced away, or banished, I have to accept who I am. I decided to accept the draconian current at this time, I was making over 30 dollars an hour at my job. Money to me ment nothing. My health was so bad, I could barely walk to the stop sign at the corner of my street. But I did, I first walked half way, than every day it got easier, I ended up going from just only being able to walk to the stop sign, to walking around the block. To walking a mile. I slowly started re gaining vital health back. I was able to move more. I fought the agoraphobia by going to just stores at night, than changing it to the busy times. This was the inner fire waking up. My inner Kundalini was waking up.
Of course, I was skeptical, I wasn't sure that the draconian current was real, or was for me. Something happened though that night at the hospital. I didn't fight it anymore, I did what my inner voice was guiding me to do I starting researching online as I was working on my weight. I felt that the state I was in, was not for me. I ended up dropping more weight, and decided to leave my American job. I than sold all my belongings. My car, my tv, my playstation five, everything. Everything was material, it ment nothing.
Long story short, I relocated and traveled across Europe, deeply studying the Tarot. During these travels, I met my wife from Prague, and we built a stable, grounded marriage together. Then, the Draconian current called to me yet again.
While walking with my wife on a hill in Prague—a place notorious for its dragon legends—I found a curious painted rock. This hill is rumored to hold the dragon’s den, and legend speaks of a dragon egg that will hatch in a thousand years. Perhaps the lore connects back to ancient pagan serpent worship, or even Renaissance-era alchemy. Finding that token felt intentional.
This time, I chose to answer the call instead of ignoring it. I kept working on my health, eventually dropping my weight below 220 pounds. I began formally studying alchemy right there in Prague while honing my relationship with the Tarot. Fast forward to today: my wife and I have relocated again, and we are now living in Mexico.
There is a reason this first entry is so long. This is the messy, profound process of ego death—and it is the exact path that brought me to where I am in my studies today. Im now in the cooling phase of everything. Alchemy is a painful process, but the pain is necessary for growth, without it, how do we move forward? This entry was important to show what's going on now.
Post automatically merged:
It wasn't easy to lay out twenty years of suppression as well as a near-death ego death, exposing that "Prima Materia" was a necessary step.
I would like to talk about the transition. In alchemy, what I learned was that after the intense, destructive heat of Calcination comes a period of cooling also fixing the volatile spirit into a more stable form. For me, that process is happening right now under the heavy, ancient sun of Mexico. (Believe me, it’s heavy. I’ve been living here since February and it gets hot.)
When I moved from the historical, alchemical atmosphere of Prague to Mexico it has completely transformed my connection to the Draconian current. Here, the dragon isn't just a hidden medieval legend on a hill; it is woven directly into the land itself as the Plumed Serpent, Quetzalcoatl—the ultimate synthesis of earth (the serpent) and sky (the feathers). This serpent also represents the ultimate bridge between the physical world and the spiritual. I found out that Mexico's landscape doesn't let you hide from your power. The raw, volcanic soil and intense heat act as an external amplifier for the Kundalini fire I woke up. ( by the way, I should note that I do not speak a word of spanish. However, I have been able to pick up rather quickly)
To navigate this intense environment without burning out, my daily workings have shifted toward highly specific rituals, and targeted Tarot structures: I use a tarot spread called the serpent’s Eye Spread. I no longer use the Tarot for simple fortune-telling… (A little note on this, While in Europe, this is how I made extra money, reading tarot for people. This spread helps me to visually see whats going on.) I’v also been working heavily with the Qliphoth.
Dropping down to 220 pounds has given me a much cleaner, stronger physical body to handle these high-voltage currents. I am learning that the Great Work isn't just about surviving the initial explosion of awakening; it is about building the ritual discipline to channel that raw fire into a beautiful, conscious reality day after day.
During my travels, I joined the temple of ascending flames, The temple of ascending flames was a great introductory point for me. However, During my week 4 I decided, that solitary was a much better approach for me. I wanted to adopt the draconian current to my workings. It felt right. Even though the temple might be for other people, it wasn't for me. During a ritual on my last week with the temple, I had a vision. That week was designated to Hecate. I was standing at a crossroads. It was all black around, she appeared to me in the vision and said "You don't need approval from outside sources" She handed me so many keys that day, that I fell to my knees in the vision. I asked her why. She stated "That's for me to know, and her to find out" I was told that I need to create my own, that the temple is not made of stone walls. So, I decided to end my work with the temple to start my own workings.
I have about 3 journals of writings from visions, gnosis, everything that I experience on this road to self discovery, and hidden knowledge. I was unsure of how to write out the journal if I should take from the weeks of course work that I did with the temple, the visions and hidden alchemical geometry that I experienced. This journal will unfold in the coming days.
Post automatically merged:
I decided to post an extra post today to bridge a gap.
I completely put that Prima Materia out there because I see in my own opinion that so many people mistake a spiritual awakening for a finish line. They tend to think that once you survive the initial explosion, you've made it. It just doesn't work that way. The real grit is the cooling phase. The magick isn't just waking up its building the daily, stubborn ritual discipline to channel that raw fire into something real, day after day, without burning down your own life. Was that stone I found on that hill in Prague the philosophers stone? Possibly. I mean It had a dragon painted on it, was in a rare spot. Either way, it ment something. I still have this stone with me. I kept it.
If I don't show you the dirt, the gold doesn't mean a thing. When Hecate handed me those keys at the crossroads and told me I didn't need anyone else's approval, she wasn't just letting me walk away from a formal temple.... she was telling me to stop looking outside myself for permission. She gave me the authority to map my own path.
If you're standing in your own fire right now, or trying to ground a massive shift that feels too heavy for you to carry, stop fighting your environment. The heat, the dirt, the walls you keep running into aren't trying to destroy you. They are the tools forcing you to change.
Alchemicalists believe that to transform a substance into something higher, it first has to be broken down. Pain and suffering is viewed as the essential "Fire" required for spiritual growth. I guess you can say that I will be posting a journal here on what chaos magick does, and how it goes hand and hand with the alchemical process and draconian current. Also, I will be posting what affects it has on the nervous system. During each phase, the body projects what you're going through.
When you complete a ritual, the ritual isn't over just because you put the candle out. There are so many other unseen things that are going on behind the shadows.
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