Journal Journal of Night and Day, Son and Moon

[DiLoco_DelEted]

I really should print out my journals when I can afford a printer.
Okay, an hour to enjoy coffee before going to my four hour shift tonight.
Still considering quitting magic, I just dont see the point off having to struggle this much with a basic concept.

What would I do without magic? Same things as always, minus reading a bunch of crap that never works for me, spending money on temple supplies that would be rendered useless except for birthdays and power outages, etc.

Still not impressed with all of my successes, its not grand enough to not be utter and complete bullshit.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Well, the evil that men do, cant do much about that can we. Except put them out of mind and out of sight.
People will always have opinions about others, and often hurtful words or concepts might get introduced when one or both parties dont know hen to cut the crap and go about your business instead, Im severely guilty of this, as who isn't easily offended by something today?

I realize now this is what was occurring:
1. An increasing buildup of putdowns, naysayers, critics and bullies on the previous site, not to mention none of the magic proposed by others worked.
2. A borderline personality shunned and abandoned by others.
3. Severe depression and suicidal ideation not as a result but greatly fueled.

Well, I guess as a pattern of life, I should get prepared to receive the same here at some point without emotional attachment upon leaving.
So without magic, what shall I do....
Get on top of bills
Get Pandie to groomer and vet
Buy new clothes
Buy new shoes
Burn all magic related notes, books and items.
Try to live a life of the values of Christ, including command to separate from those who will not follow.
Get back into drumming, perhaps per convo with Uncle, get a floor tom or two or bongos to start with, perhaps a steel drum way down the line.
Get back into cooking, actually have food and a place in which to cook my own food.
Get extensive psychotherapy and stay away from churches.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Reason for Stay away from churches:
They are a target of Black Magicians, particularly ones who've been in the news.
They are larger hypocritical and legalistic.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

The more I think about it, I haven't done a real ritual for a couple months. That appears to be dead occultism to me.
No passion, desire or expectation anymore.

And honestly, I have zero inclination to help those who've hurt me, but rather let them go their own way with their own results in life, bound to look better than mine anyway, so it won't be a complete loss for them never having my help.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

And I believe with that, it is time to go on Ritual Attack, Demons of Wrath and so on on my failures, sort of an extensive IOB technique used.

Thinking on Racism vs Nationalism, and the frightening combination of the two. Everyone generally loves their home, their own country. But some folks from certain countries always seem to be over the top in all ways on Nationalism of their country including the spirit world and gods and goddesses. Crazy.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

I believe the reason for my depression largely is lack of identity and knowledge of invididual purpose. I cant spell today, my mind is a train wreck. Not even channeled demons cn tell me what my purpose was or is, not that I expected Rofocale to offer it up on a silver platter or anything. No churches hosting the presence of the Holy Spirit can authentically tell me what my individual purpose is or was.
Nice to know neither is aware of such a thing.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

And I, as an individual, cannot afford shelter, food, or any more mental health days to take off from work. Yesterday I reemerged, today is a day for help from Mars/Elohim Gibor.
So, might as well toughen up and take nobody personally at all.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Ugh. I hate depression. It brings out the worst examples of my flip-flopping.
Did LBRP silently at work in the bathroom midway through dinner.

Robe and belt are on. Will do basic Neophyte work (Breathing, LBRP, MP, Adorations).
Will continue work on a good Earth Watchtower tablet (watercolor pencil, pen and paper). Forget Air and Union for the moment. Get Earth done. Invoking Four Powers of Earth. Will try to fit these in tonight.

TCR: I Magician. Mercury. Self Consciousness, focused attention to detail, occult wisdom and skill, tact.

Body Awareness: Paying more attention to breathing at the moment, slight tingle at crown. Sitting on bed, back straight, Knees bent and feet soles touching in shape of a diamond. Will try to start with a gradual buildup to fourfold breathing, then concentrate on foot to groin breathing.

Relaxation Ritual: Try to first visualize the gold light energy ball at feet. Once visualized, breathe in upward in segments, knees, hips, torso, shoulders, arms, head, until a glowing golden light body. Coordinated with breathing. Will not allow further travel of light until all pain and tension remains gone.

LBRP: Cabalistic Cross - Visualize light strongly and hold the light in mind, from point to line to cross. Earth banishing LRP, visualize pentagrams and angels strongly. Follow with closing QC.

Middle Pillar -- Work on visualizing strongly the white light at each energy point.

Invoking Four Powers of Earth: Visualize green pentagram, make sure the words are easily readable for the conjuration at each wearer.
Make sure the divine name is vibrated evenly by each line of the pentagram. Kerubic Taurus with ADFONAI after ADONAI HA ARETZ.

Have come to acceptance with whats left of my life at the moment, try to be diligent with work, and try to stay in the moment. Finances won't improve drastically, but slowly over time, I just need to make wiser choices with it.

Relationships -- of a sexual or romantic kind have been chillin in a graveyard for the past eight years. Have come to acceptance its too much hassle. Family relationships trying to strengthen. Friends, well, very few friends are really my friends.

Housing - It is what it is. Ive no more energy to give to it otherwise.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Okay. Took whats left of my medication. Earliest I will be able to sit down for a medication review with the County is next week. I work every single day of the week between my two jobs.
Depression is a pain in the rear, because it kills your visualization. I simply by whatever method try to visualize, if I do, its intense brief which becomes a distraction trying to bring it back constantly.
So Relaxation Ritual will have to work on later, otherwise it will take all night to complete.
LBRP/MP, possibly if time Invocation of Four Powers of Earth. This wraps up my second of three nights where I actually have time in the daytime and night. The next four days are 12 hour days, and add in the 4 hour two way commute, so not much time to do much at all. LRP and a MP morning and night is probably the honest best to aim for.
In short, if Im going to continue with it it will have to be RHP or MHP. LHP folks I tend not to agree with. It will have to be something like the Golden Dawn, example resources being used Golden Dawn, Modern Magick, Kaballah, Magic, and the Great Work of Self Transformation. All three use Golden Dawn techniques for the most part. They are each great in their own right. This has been the magic type Ive done and tried to stick to multiple times. Perhaps I should take a hint.
The next I would consider are Thelema and Quareia. Each will take a commitment to their system and their system alone.
Last effort would be try anything and everything and see what happens.
The LHP .. yeah, Ive made some enemies down there I think, or at least Im not aware of what other Black Magicians have mentioned to them about me which would make the relatioship building difficult to say the least. Especially with some.
Otherwise, magic gets dropped, psychotherapy and continuing education takes its place.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Full cycle of Liber Resh Vel Helios adorations done with grade signs and sign of silence, ending at Midnight from Midnight.
QC/LBRP/QC done. Visualize half eyes open, half shit, did not affect visualization by much.
Will do Middle Pillar and call it a night.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Temple Supplies -- Add to the list Gold, Silver, and Primary Color (minimum) Sharpie packs for the Enochian Earth Watchtower tablet:

"Next, paint the letters in the following manner (notice how the tablet is divided like the Jerusalem Cross into four quadrants containing lesser crosses):
Portion ofTablet
Black squares, upper left quadrant Black squares, upper right
Black squares, lower left
Black squares, lower right
All the white squares in the tablet

Color ofLetters
Yellow (color of air)
Blue (color of water)
Green (a color of earth)
Red (color of fire)
Black (contrasting color of Spirit)

Clean up any stray marks by drawing in the grid lines with a high-quality black marker and a ruler. You can also retouch the squares with black paint to clean up any smudges from the colored letters. When your tablet is as perfect as you can make it, frame it.

Do not do any ritual work or meditations on this Enochian tablet beyond the instructions you have been given so far. It is important to avoid work with the Enochian system of magic directly until after the elemental grades. Remember that you can read about anything you like, but keep your practice confined to just the directions of this book."

Might as well get acrylic tablets or posterboard along with the sharpies and paint. Also need Dropcloth and ink for circle cloth.
Also, sheets and screw hooks to define the ritual perimeter.

Start getting proficient with banishings, counter courses and energy work. Rose Cross Ritual, Liber Israfel, Initiation openings and closings.
Get used to tool free magic, but with tools, learn to charge the tools without need for your blood placed on the tool. Thats a demonolatry method.

Max saw that I was able to form a psi ball, he was rather surprised. Max is my friend who channels various demons when we are together. He did teach me a new approach. He was also the one pinpointing the reason why I cant visualize is because I am depressed.
So, continue as he (AZOTH) stated, keep working with the energy. It also came across to my attention that Valefor was channeled, when he mentioned the parts of him, an ass, a lion and something else. I knew that had to be him because it wasn't the raging raver demon (belial or satan, choronzon?), or Lucifuge. Or Lucifer.

Work on maintaining cool in the presence of archdeacons channeled, and be prepared to mention well formed questions for answers to be pondered.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

And a little poltergeist activity. Oh well.

Rather than research angels or go into a novena right now, finish the earth tablet, or best you can at attempt #2.
If you complete it, try to create Air Watchtower tablet.

Rather than a simple invocation and prayer, will try the following chain:
Lords Prayer/Prayer of David; Oratory Prayer, Archangel Invocation, Planetary Invocation, Shem Angel Psalms, Psalms 104, Saint Prayer.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Add to temple supplies: Crystal Ball, Obsidian Ball, Singing Bowl, Crystal Water Bowl, Mirror, Spray Paint including black, painters tape, duct tape (for taping floor pentagram). Amazon order completion, once that is done, furniture.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Up again. Time to fire up the Altar and try to make contact with Mercury angels due to it being Wednesday.
At very least, do an Orange candle meditation, thanking angels for day.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Wednesday, 4/6/2022 (16=2+6=7). Ruling Planet: Mercury. Color for the Day: Orange.
Dreams/Sleep: Had some dreams but could not recall upon waking.
Mood: Medium (Depression High, Anxiety Med Mood Med)
Mental Notes: None
Physical Notes: Aches and pains.
#
Adorations: Full cycle completed, overdue for Morning and Afternoon, so will don in a moment along with LBRP.
#
Rituals:
QC/LRP, Earth Banishing/QC
#
#
Invocations:
Mercury
Raphael --
-RAPHAEL INVOCATION-

Wednesday- Day of Mercury

+

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Under the authority of ELOHIM TZAVAOTH, who governeth the sphere of Hod and Mercury, I call upon RAPHAEL, Healing of God, and Divine Messenger. Form us unto completion through the learning and disbursement of Truth as inheritors of the world imperfect. Shape us as reliable agents of the Lord’s grace and glory to assist Mankind in the Great Work of Reintegration.

Archangel Raphael, I humbly ask of your guidance and to bless my endeavor to connect with the positive energies of Mercury. Rid me of confusion, anxiety, distraction, indecisiveness, and overanalysis. Inspire me with reason, coordination, clear understanding, versatility, and concise communication.

I submit this request in the name of the sovereignty of the Most High God the Father +, the unending love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ +, and the illuminating essence of the glorious Spirit Most Holy +. Amen.
#
Shem Angel of Day - #18 Caliel "God prompt to grant". 86th degree of the circle to the 90th, corresponding to the ninth decade and the angel named Tepistatosoa.
One invokes this angel to obtain prompt assistance in the face of some adversity; one must recite the 8th verse of Psalm 7 “Judge me, O Lord, according to my righteousness, and according to mine integrity that is in me16” (Judica me Domine secundum justitiam meam, et secundum innocentiam meam super me).
The auspicious time begins at 5:40am till 6:00am. This angel allows knowledge of truth in proceedings, and allows innocence to triumph, he confounds the guilty and false testimony. The person born under this influence will be just and possess integrity, love truth, and will distinguish himself in magistracy.
The bad angel rules over scandalous processes, and influences vile, base and rampant men, and those who seek to confound business and enrich themselves at the expense of their clients.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Get back to being that nature loving, friendly, explorer. Ive attracted people with a nerd-like bully approach somehow. I guess friendliness is the only way to combat it. Perhaps visit the astronomy observatory, U of M Botanical Gardens, Arboretum. Go walking through woods that have trails that Im familiar with or not.

 

[Jarhyn]

I really should print out my journals when I can afford a printer.
Okay, an hour to enjoy coffee before going to my four hour shift tonight.
Still considering quitting magic, I just dont see the point off having to struggle this much with a basic concept.

What would I do without magic? Same things as always, minus reading a bunch of crap that never works for me, spending money on temple supplies that would be rendered useless except for birthdays and power outages, etc.

Still not impressed with all of my successes, its not grand enough to not be utter and complete bullshit.

Get back to being that nature loving, friendly, explorer. Ive attracted people with a nerd-like bully approach somehow. I guess friendliness is the only way to combat it. Perhaps visit the astronomy observatory, U of M Botanical Gardens, Arboretum. Go walking through woods that have trails that Im familiar with or not.

Honestly, this seems a more clear approach to discovering real magic than cloistering yourself. I hold my own life up as evidence that throwing oneself at the magic is neither necessary or wise.

Maybe more comes, maybe it doesn't.

If there is magic to be found it will almost certainly come from that which actually makes you feel alive, first and foremost.

You will only find it when you stop looking, when you stop chasing.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

Home. Slow night tonight due to nicer weather. Only went through a single pan tops of any of the dishes for tonight. There was some turnout, but pretty much wasted an entire pan of chicken due to lower attendance. Tewx Mex night is usually popular.
Fed the kitty, who is done now and hitting her watering hole.
Did LBRP at work and again while waiting for the bus due to a weird energy feeling.

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

I keep thinking about wealth as non-monetary. I keep thinking about looking into life as a secured party creditor (buying back my identity from corporations and governments), and getting the money and moving where I please. Becoming a magician on my own time. Comparatively speaking, I would need good retirement savings, retire at 65 and pursue magic full-time, or be granted disability for the four federally recognized disabilities and as I have medical, neurological, and psychiatric proof, get disability my own place and practice magic full time.

So wealth is not money, and out money is actually worthless anyway, and electronic currency is still insecure as all hell. Until hackers cannot break them, I will not use electronic money.

So what makes us wealthy as adult individuals?

 

[DiLoco_DelEted]

I keep thinking about wealth as non-monetary. I keep thinking about looking into life as a secured party creditor (buying back my identity from corporations and governments), and getting the money and moving where I please. Becoming a magician on my own time. Comparatively speaking, I would need good retirement savings, retire at 65 and pursue magic full-time, or be granted disability for the four federally recognized disabilities and as I have medical, neurological, and psychiatric proof, get disability my own place and practice magic full time.

So wealth is not money, and out money is actually worthless anyway, and electronic currency is still insecure as all hell. Until hackers cannot break them, I will not use electronic money.

So what makes us wealthy as adult individuals?

Time is one. To have time, to be of long years.
Our mind, while it is still in working order.
To be wise, to obtain wisdom and understanding.