Journal Rebirth of Primal

[Primal]

Hello
This is my journal of self knowing, researching Magick, recorded here, on a public display. Day by day. This is my journey.

I had my awakening when I was on THC, at 35 years of age. Since I am very creative and sensitive, this triggered intense visions of the other side, many Gods and Goddesses were present, spiritual teachers, and they all gave me instructions how to reach Ego Death (I had no idea what is it, I learned about it from my visions) Subconscious, hallucinations, or real encounters, they changed me. I believe it is my subconscious as I don't believe in any entity as real.

I was lost in life (and I still am in a way)no directions, in doing nothing by myself and relying on others to tell me how to live, or to rely on books. I never asked myself what do I think I should do. I didn't know who am I. No identity. Nothing. I call this Ego death because the false image of me as I see myself and others see me completely changed. The Ego death happened when I realized that I have to change my personality completely and redefine myself.

In my journal, I'll write about my path of self mastery and I'll expose myself to be laughed at, humiliated because of the lack of experience or any other reason if I fail to meet my own expectations.This is my system of responsibility. I draw inspiration from your journals too.

 

[Primal]

My first step is a complete change of my character. I believe this is possible.

Books I'l use: -

Psychology
Paul Jagot's Autosuggestion and The power of the will,
Robert Green's 48 laws of the power and The laws of the human nature,
Joseph Murphy - the power of the subconscious mind
The social anxiety workbook by Martin Anthony and Ritchard Swinson
Tessa Watt - Mindfulness
Kacudžo Niši - Healing by breathing - energetic breathing
Thibaut Meurisse - Master your emotions


Two books from the Orthodox Christian church:

Saint Nikodim Agiorit The invisible battle and The Ladder by John Lestvicnik
(Don't know how to translate this correctly)

Three books from the Church of Satan:

The Satanic Bible - Anton La Vey, The Satanic Rituals and The Satanic Witch

Budissm:
The noble eightfold path by B. Bodhi

Don't know how to classify this yet:

Raven Digitalis - Shadow magick compendium
The inner temple witchcraft by Christopher Penczak

As for me, I must face myself in the mirror and sit with my emotions, fears and doubts, regrets and the good things I did in the past. I wrote about the Ego Death - that's it. It has to stay dead. This has to be done every minute of every day, accepting full responsibility for my actions and decisions before attempting any magick.

 

[Primal]

Magic is beauty an it is everywhere. I am a dark magician because I cast bad spells onto myself constantly. Many of my spells backfired.

!!I'll share what doing magick without knowledge and inner healing, and training can do. !!

First thing first. My first spell ever was the one I found in a teenage magazine and I tried it. It backfired in a sence that I don't know how to express my feelings or to feel emotions like a real person anymore.

I took a purple candle, some salt and chanted - "Heart and soul are the only luck, my power is only bigger than that.".. I started using my pure reason and not my emotional part, it was the very beginning of my mental ilness...(BPD)

My second spell was a blood ritual (idiotic, I know) with my now ex husband. Two black candles, white candle and a graveyard. A recipe for disaster. You don't do love ritual in a freaking cemetery! It backfired like this - it ruined my relationship with my ex, my twin flame (not my husband, he appeared later on)(the one with pyrokinesis and telekinesis abilities- serious amount of power and real knowledge of magick) Since I am bound to my ex husband, new bound is impossible.

My third failed ritual is the one for money. Ridiculous one. I blocked 5 things with it and my ex, a witch had to burn it with his powers because any other natural method failed. He personally sealed the end of our relationship because that object had The World tarot card on it, so when it was burned, I was free to do shadow work (I couldn't do it because I subconsciously blocked it with magic)but the relationship is doomed.

Fourth failed ritual is a reversed blood ritual, no blood involved but it involves black candle, and two white candles representing constant doubts and bad luck as it turns out...and now after all, we aren't together, and we became enemies at the end.

So, why do I want to learn magic?I feel obligated to my abilities that has been awakened after I met my twin flame. I have healing abilities and I am an empath. An unhealed healer is a real danger to everyone. When I feel love, I start to heal, my power is in my hands and I have to remove them from a person before I make any damage. I didn't do that one time and my own child ended up in a hospital.

I have to do this properly now because I can't just shut down my powers.I tried though. And I am a ticking bomb without proper training.